Abused Man Writes To Dear Abby
- Details
- Category: Media and Abused Men
- Published on Thursday, 29 December 2011 13:33
- Written by Damien Moody
- Hits: 99
Dear Abby
BIG MAN ABUSED BY GIRLFRIEND FIGHTS TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Carmen" for a few years, but in the last year she has started becoming violent when we are having an argument. I think this is domestic abuse, but she claims it isn't because I'm a man.
I'm not someone who can take abuse without repercussions. I'm like a mirror. If someone brings violence into my life, I reflect it back on them. So far, I have restrained my instincts -- but eventually I know Carmen will cross the line and I'm going to snap. I have the potential to hurt her badly.
I have tried everything to make Carmen understand how I feel, but she continues to insist it doesn't matter because I'm so much bigger and stronger than she is. When she hits me, it doesn't hurt physically, but the anger I feel is indescribable. I'm at the end of my rope and considering breaking up with her before I hurt her.
I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way to make her see things from my perspective. Or should I call the cops the next time she hits me?
-- BRUISED AND ABUSED BOYFRIEND
DEAR BRUISED AND ABUSED: You may not want to, but it's time to end the relationship before something happens you both regret. Your relationship with Carmen isn't a healthy one. You will land in jail if you respond the way it appears she wants you to.
Please think ahead -- if Carmen resorts to violence when she becomes upset with you, then she very likely will with any children you would have together. She may think her abusive behavior is normal because this was the environment in which she was raised. But we both know it's not -- it's a huge red flag. Run!
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Follow ups to this letter:
Dear Abby
ABUSED MAN URGED TO GET HELP AND STOP SUFFERING IN SILENCE
DEAR ABBY: On Oct. 19 you printed a letter from "Bruised and Abused," a man who is dating a woman who becomes physically violent when they argue. I know this is a touchy subject. I have heard from authorities that about half of domestic violence occurs when a woman throws the first blow.
Most women believe, as the abusive girlfriend said, that her attack on him isn't violence because she's a woman and he is a man. As difficult as it may be, we need to talk about the role women play in the domestic violence cycle as well as the responsibilities of men. I'm saving the letter from "Bruised" to remind me. -- DONALD, A CALIFORNIA DENTIST
DEAR DONALD: Since I printed that letter I have heard from readers telling me my answer didn't go far enough. (I advised him to end the relationship.) Among those who wrote to me were doctors, members of law enforcement and mental health specialists -- as well as former victims. My newspaper readers comment:
DEAR ABBY: Because we are bigger and stronger does not mean we don't get abused. I was abused by my former wife and an ex-girlfriend before I recognized it for what it was and got myself the help I needed. Nobody else was there for me.
If she is hitting him, he needs to call the police. If he has marks on him, she will go to jail. Men are too often ashamed to call the police because men think it reflects on their manhood. However, they need to put that shame aside and get the help they need. -- JOE IN MISSOURI
DEAR ABBY: I'm a retired cop. "Bruised" asked you if what his girlfriend is doing is domestic abuse. Your reply did not mention that his girlfriend hitting him is domestic abuse. It doesn't matter if the abuser is male or female, nor the size of the victim.
"Bruised" should call the cops and report this before she goads him into a response that gets him arrested. The courts can mandate the therapy she apparently needs. -- RUSS IN HELENA, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: I was a victim. People asked me why I didn't fight back. I wasn't raised to hit women.
In the end, my wife put me in the hospital twice and left me blind in my left eye. She spent nine months in jail for everything that happened.
Violence is violence regardless of who is throwing the punches. Tell that man he needs to get out now! God forbid he ends up dead. -- BATTERED IN ARIZONA
DEAR ABBY: It doesn't matter if he is a boy and she is a girl, or that he is bigger and stronger. Women do abuse men. It's a crime that too often goes unreported. He should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800) 799-7233 or SAFE (Stop Abuse for Everyone) at www.safe4all.org. -- CLAUDIA, Ph.D., LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that the man needs to leave "Carmen." But something he wrote in his letter concerns me. He said, "I don't want to end the relationship, but I think it's the only way I can make her see things from my perspective."
This indicates to me that he thinks he can "teach her a lesson" by breaking up with her, and that this would stop her behavior. That would be a huge misconception on his part.
Carmen's behavior isn't something that can be modified through a breakup. It is something that will require intense counseling to correct, if it can be corrected at all. The boyfriend needs to end things for good -- and run like the wind! -- BRUCE IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: Domestic abuse isn't just male-on-female. It is very often female-on-male, and partner-on-partner in homosexual relationships. "Bruised and Abused" needs to notify the police, get a restraining order and stay away. -- STUDENT NURSE IN CHAPEL HILL
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